The Perpetual State of Uncertainty

Ben and I are arguing. He wants me to leave him alone until tomorrow, so I’m turning to this blog to say what I can’t say to him right now without reaching out and aggravating him further.

When we talk in person, things are fine. If we fight, it’s short-lived and resolved before it gets to a point where either of us is angry to a degree that can’t be fixed right away, with very few exceptions. When we don’t see other and arguments start, it’s through text. Through text, we take things out of context that the other is saying and end up arguing. As soon as we argue, he gets annoyed and doesn’t want to see me, or even talk to me on the phone. He always hates talking on the phone, but it’s the only alternative to text if I can’t see him in person. Any efforts I make to fix it through text somehow make it worse and make him not want to actually talk even more. It’s a catch-22—either I leave him alone and he doesn’t talk to me, or I try to get him to talk to me . . . and he doesn’t talk to me. When he gets to this point, no matter how much I need to talk to him, there’s no option where that’s the result. I’m just fucked out of what I need for what he wants, unless I choose to act like a crazy person and show up to force him to talk to me. I’ve done it, but I thoroughly hate myself for it. I’ve never been the girl who goes to that extreme . . . but I’ve never had someone force it as the only option either.

When I most desperately need him to talk to me are the moments he least wants to and is the most aggressively against it, which makes me feel like I can’t rely on him. I was planning to take the bar in a state on the opposite coast and move there and apply for jobs at that point. (I haven’t told him my final decision yet, since I just came to a final decision after my final on Wednesday, when I was finally able to sit and mull it over thoroughly.) I was planning to move Ben with me and he seemed enthusiastic about it, but now I’m questioning what to do. I don’t want to move clear across the country, only knowing one person, if I can’t rely on that person. When we’re physically together, things are fine, so I assume they’d be fine if we lived together since we’d see each other daily. But I’m not sure if that will remain the case, or if this will somehow bleed into that as well. It’s a big risk.

He didn’t want to talk to me yesterday either, so I gave him his space, for the most part. I limited the conversation and only really talked to him when he started replying and it seemed like he wanted to talk. I tried not to push it.

I wanted to talk to him about the final exam I had on Wednesday, just to talk about it with someone who had an idea what I’d been working on. I wanted to talk to him today about the therapy appointment this morning and that conversation that involved him. I also wanted to tell him that I bought my graduation regalia today and how I felt about it. I wanted to tell him about a conversation I’d had with a friend yesterday and my feelings on it, just because he’s the one I most want to talk to about things of that kind.

I also wanted to tell him The Ex has refused to sign papers and I’m being forced to officially file suit against him to have the divorce granted—which is going to cost a lot more money than I was hoping and take a lot more time. It might involve going to court. I don’t know how this will impact my plans to move. Ben has already expressed that he’s set on leaving this coast as soon as possible, and if I had to push the timeline back for a year for job purposes, he didn’t want to stick around and wait. I don’t know if this will have the same reaction. It’s not a thing I can bring up if he’s already annoyed because his reaction will be tainted by it and I won’t know what he actually thinks. I need him to be supportive—I can’t deal with him saying he’d rather just move without me . . . not during finals. Not at this stress level. I wanted to talk to him about it before deciding whether to give the go-ahead to the lawyer by the end of business today or take the option of contacting The Ex and urging him to meet with my lawyer and go over it, or to meet in a public place and discuss the terms to maybe convince him to do us both a favor and sign. I wanted Ben’s input on weighing the options . . . but instead, I made an executive decision because there wasn’t an opportunity to talk to him. He asked me to call and wake him up at 3:30pm today and I had planned to try to get him to talk to me for a few minutes on that and clarifying whether he wanted me to come tonight over the phone so it wouldn’t be lost in text. He didn’t answer, so I had to talk to him through text about the plans. Things were lost in translation and it escalated to him being annoyed enough to rescind an invitation I wasn’t sure actually existed in the first place and not wanting to talk to me at all. I had to answer by 5 so filings can be ready for Monday. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out and I’m fairly certain Ben won’t want to hear, “you didn’t give me a chance to talk to you,” or will be mad that I didn’t just tell him I wanted to talk about it. We were already discussing several other things and the conversation was out of control before I felt comfortable with bringing it up. It’s hard to tell someone you want to discuss something with serious potential impact on a plan you’re not sure will be continued.

There’s also an impending eventual end to our relationship. He has a bucket list, and one of the items he has yet to check off is a one-night stand. He refuses to not finish his bucket list, which also includes other absurd items. My hope was that he would just leave that one for near last and not accomplish the others, the problem thus solving itself. But it’s constantly in the back of my mind that it’s the easiest one to complete of what he has left. It could be done on any given night, and I don’t know what will set him off onto a whim that makes him want to. Every time he doesn’t sound enthused about making plans with me (like tonight), I worry that might be the motivation. Every time we try to discuss it, he just tells me he was “Shanghaied.” At some point when we were just friends with benefits and on-again-off-again, I had said maybe we’d have a threesome, since that was an item on mine. The difference is that I’m not married to my bucket list and when circumstances changed that we were officially together, I thought he understood that meant monogamy, since we’ve had that conversation plenty. He thought that “plan” was still on the table. Every time he says the word “Shanghaied,” it kills me because it comes down to if he has to choose between his bucket list and losing me, or opting to change his list and keeping me, he’ll choose his list.

I was still open to the idea of doing it before. I’ve always been curious and if I were to get in the right mindset and feel like I could trust the situation, I feel like it could happen and be fine. But I’m also a jealous person and it would need to be a situation that wouldn’t cause problems in the future—one with clear rules and a serious discussion with all three parties. The problem is that I don’t think he and I will agree on the guidelines. His major downfall in terms of a relationship is that he’s not great at seeing the legitimacy of how someone else feels if it’s not in agreement with his feelings, and I don’t want to be forced into something I’m uncomfortable with. It would be the end of us, with certainty. It’s another catch-22 situation for me. I can’t talk to him about it enough to figure out how impending an issue it may be and it’s impossible to obtain a grasp on whether I’ll have time to handle it and consider the “plan” again before he makes the executive decision to go ahead and do it, so it’s a constant nagging anxiety and pain that I’m at a loss on how to fix.

One thing I don’t handle well in general is complete uncertainty. I don’t require definitive plans, but I like to have the option to make some semblance of one, or at least mull over options. Right now in my life, with everything else in a perpetual state of uncertainty, it’s virtually impossible to handle more of that. But here I am . . . in all my uncertain, disastrous, waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop glory.

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